Deliquesce

This past week was an extremely hard time. My father has been feeling ill for the past month or so and last Monday, August 16th, he felt weaker than ever. My mother rushed him to the ER where he stayed for the whole week. Test after test after test was done to figure out what on earth could cause such a discomfort in health. This wasn't the first time my dad's been rushed to the ER so at first it was no big thing. A couple years ago, he had received radiation treatment for prostate cancer and part of the side effects was prolonged fatigue even years later. He's gone to the hospital for this a few times in the past year so we automatically figured it was the same reason. But in the past, they pinpointed the problem quickly and he was discharged that same day, maybe the next if it was bad enough. This time, as the week progressed with no answers to show, the worried began. Each day was harder to deal with than the one before because each day passing meant more time not knowing. Finally, the results of a biopsy responded to our questions with the worst news anyone could ever hear.

On Thursday, August 19th, 2010, my father was diagnosed with advanced regenerating liver cancer.

At first, it didn't seem real. Liver cancer doesn't happen to anyone you know; it happens to the people you read about or hear about. It's never a possibility for you or your family.

Then it sunk in. My father has liver cancer. Advanced liver cancer that could potentially take his life at any given time. Liver cancer that already has and will continue to change my life forever.

My dad is probably the strongest man I know. He's facing this with the most optimistic attitude and the most open mind any cancer patient could have. He's taking it as it comes and is willing to do whatever it takes to overcome it like the fighter I know he is.

I, on the other hand, am not taking it so lightly. Lately I feel depressed. I can't even explain the depths of what's going on in my mind, but it's a mixture of anger, sadness, fear, annoyance, love, hatred, who knows what else. I'm trying to be strong for my dad's sake but I just can't because I'm emotionally wrecked right now and I don't know what to do. I can't keep a game face on like my sisters are telling me to do. I can't help that my emotions are what they are. I don't want to fake a smile or fake happiness. I'm feeling something and I don't feel like I should have to hide it for everyone else. I can't talk to anyone without them trying to have all the answers for me. I appreciate everyone's concern and support because it means the world to know I have people who care so much around me, but at the same time, I want to be alone. I want the chance to gather my thoughts peacefully so I can come to terms with the intensity of this situation and how much it's going to affect us. I'm sick of everyone thinking of me as just a little girl. This is one of the hardest things I have to go through but I need to go through it by my own means. I will try to be as strong as my dad to help him get through this triumphantly. If he beats this, it will be by love and strength alone.

I didn't realize just how big of a deal this was until family members from near and far have been coming by to pay their respects. Our house has been full of people coming in and out since Wednesday and will stay like this for a long time.

I feel a little guilty because I can't help but think the worst. What if my dad doesn't fight it? He will never see me graduate college, become a lawyer, get married, have children. He will never see me live my adult life and prove that I am so much more than the little kid he thinks I am. I'm being selfish right now but I'm worried about the future. It's so uncertain and I HATE that.

I'm debating whether or not to go to San Diego anymore. More than ever, my family needs me here and I am moving at the worst possible time. I don't want to stop living but I don't want to not be around and regret having let moments pass.

Too much on my mind right now.

Laxity

Last post was in April?! I suck. I really do.

Short recap because FAR too much has happened since then:

-finished at Moorpark
-rejected from NYU (but I got over it quickly)
-accepted to USC
-decided on UCSD

And that's that! I move to San Diego in September. I'm excited but nervous, but right now it may or may not happen. Next post will explain why.

Repudiated

Reeeeeeeeejected from UCLA but I'm not trippin', I'm not a Bruins fan. ;)

Dear UC Berkeley, USC, and NYU,

HURRY. Kay thanks.

Love, Nikki

Emitted

At approximately 12:12 this morning, I ever so anxiously submitted my NYU application. Now, I wait. Wait, wait, wait til June or later. The anticipation will kill me but at least my part is over. It's up to NYU to realize that I am indeed a worthy candidate for admission. I feel confident in my application but there's still a part of me that feels nervous. A lot of people are waiting to see if I make it or not and to let them down would be the ultimate fail.

Time will tell.

Goodnight. :)

Ajudication

I SUCK at updating, don't judge me!

Let's see what my life has been like...

So since I've last updated, I began my fourth and final semester at Moorpark and am now well into the middle of it. I am currently on spring break and when I return next week, I have just 5 weeks left. It's going really well! My classes are awesome, professors are great, and I am just happy to be able to call this my last semester here. I've been getting applications done and have begun to hear back from some schools. I've been accepted to St. John's, UC San Diego, UC Santa Barbara, UC Irvine, and UC Santa Cruz. I am still waiting to hear back from USC, UCLA, UC Davis, and UC Berkeley. Right this second, I am working on my NYU application. Yes, I know it's due in two days but I didn't want to send it in just yet. It's a big deal for me so I saved it for the last minute. I sent in all the supplemental information, the only thing left is the actual application. Everything is done but I just want to perfect all of my essays so that they truly reflect my deepest qualities and intentions. I really do hope NYU works in my favor. I am honestly surprised I was accepted to these other schools; I really thought I would be accepted to maybe a couple. That gives me a huge ego boost and a new wave of confidence. NYU seems really possible now but it's just so damn competitive so I don't know. I'm trying to not be so negative but I can't help but think like that. Whatever happens happens, though, and whatever the case, I am looking at it with fate. If I am accepted, it was meant to be. If not, then maybe New York is something that will have to wait in my life. Even if it doesn't work out, I have been accepted to some great schools so far so I am not worried about that. NYU will always be there for something else.

I know this sounds ridiculously opposite of how I was in my last couple posts, but I have begun to think more realistically about it. New York is a big move and it's going to affect both me and my family. It's going to be a tough journey to take and maybe I'm just not ready for it yet. Ahhh, these epiphanies are so confusing sometimes! I'm not saying I don't want to go. Basically, if I am accepted, then I am 100% in it, but if I am not, I won't be too bummed. Make sense? It sure doesn't for me. :)

All confusion aside, my birthday is next week, YAY! Big 2-0, can't believe it. My last days of teenagedom are here, oh my! But I am one step closer to that golden age so it's all good, hahaha. It sucks, though, because my birthday is on the Monday I come back from break and I have like, 2 tests that day. Major bust but it's okay because the next day, I am going to see Alicia Keys, Robin Thicke, and Melanie Fiona live in concert at the Staples Center. THANK YOU, SUBIR! It's going to be super fun. Ameeta keeps saying, "ohhh I can't come back to LA then like I had planned, lalala" but I know her better, I know she is planning something. I honestly think she is only coming to go to the concert. Subir got me two tickets for Christmas and I had to pick one other person to go with me. I of course chose Smee because she's my sister and lives here but Ameeta will probably end up wanting to go if she does come. Selfish, I know, but hey, what can you do?

Alright, it's 1:45 and I MUST finish these NYU essays. Take care!

A New Era

So here we are, 2010. A new year, a new decade, a new slate to cover with memories and happenings. I intend to make this decade the best one I've lived thus far.

:)

In The Cards

New York.
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can’t do,
Now you're in New York.
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let's hear it for New York,
New York,
New York.

Nikki's dreams, coming soon. :D