Deliquesce

This past week was an extremely hard time. My father has been feeling ill for the past month or so and last Monday, August 16th, he felt weaker than ever. My mother rushed him to the ER where he stayed for the whole week. Test after test after test was done to figure out what on earth could cause such a discomfort in health. This wasn't the first time my dad's been rushed to the ER so at first it was no big thing. A couple years ago, he had received radiation treatment for prostate cancer and part of the side effects was prolonged fatigue even years later. He's gone to the hospital for this a few times in the past year so we automatically figured it was the same reason. But in the past, they pinpointed the problem quickly and he was discharged that same day, maybe the next if it was bad enough. This time, as the week progressed with no answers to show, the worried began. Each day was harder to deal with than the one before because each day passing meant more time not knowing. Finally, the results of a biopsy responded to our questions with the worst news anyone could ever hear.

On Thursday, August 19th, 2010, my father was diagnosed with advanced regenerating liver cancer.

At first, it didn't seem real. Liver cancer doesn't happen to anyone you know; it happens to the people you read about or hear about. It's never a possibility for you or your family.

Then it sunk in. My father has liver cancer. Advanced liver cancer that could potentially take his life at any given time. Liver cancer that already has and will continue to change my life forever.

My dad is probably the strongest man I know. He's facing this with the most optimistic attitude and the most open mind any cancer patient could have. He's taking it as it comes and is willing to do whatever it takes to overcome it like the fighter I know he is.

I, on the other hand, am not taking it so lightly. Lately I feel depressed. I can't even explain the depths of what's going on in my mind, but it's a mixture of anger, sadness, fear, annoyance, love, hatred, who knows what else. I'm trying to be strong for my dad's sake but I just can't because I'm emotionally wrecked right now and I don't know what to do. I can't keep a game face on like my sisters are telling me to do. I can't help that my emotions are what they are. I don't want to fake a smile or fake happiness. I'm feeling something and I don't feel like I should have to hide it for everyone else. I can't talk to anyone without them trying to have all the answers for me. I appreciate everyone's concern and support because it means the world to know I have people who care so much around me, but at the same time, I want to be alone. I want the chance to gather my thoughts peacefully so I can come to terms with the intensity of this situation and how much it's going to affect us. I'm sick of everyone thinking of me as just a little girl. This is one of the hardest things I have to go through but I need to go through it by my own means. I will try to be as strong as my dad to help him get through this triumphantly. If he beats this, it will be by love and strength alone.

I didn't realize just how big of a deal this was until family members from near and far have been coming by to pay their respects. Our house has been full of people coming in and out since Wednesday and will stay like this for a long time.

I feel a little guilty because I can't help but think the worst. What if my dad doesn't fight it? He will never see me graduate college, become a lawyer, get married, have children. He will never see me live my adult life and prove that I am so much more than the little kid he thinks I am. I'm being selfish right now but I'm worried about the future. It's so uncertain and I HATE that.

I'm debating whether or not to go to San Diego anymore. More than ever, my family needs me here and I am moving at the worst possible time. I don't want to stop living but I don't want to not be around and regret having let moments pass.

Too much on my mind right now.