Cinched

I've decided.

Cupcakes are nice, but after a while they're just too sweet and inedible.

Cheesecake has always and will always be perfectly delicious to me.

<3

Appy Polly Loggies

So sorry for the boning out on updating but school keeps me busy here. I will try to be more diligent about writing; I've had a lot on my mind lately and I want to capture my moments in college.

Until then.

Bonne Bouche

Okay, I have an issue. To avoid stating it directly, I will use the metaphor of desserts.

Ironic because I should be studying for my Sociology of Food midterm but I can't stop thinking about this issue.

I was introduced to cheesecake a while ago. At first, I didn't realize its potency or its sweet, succulent aroma, but after associating with cheesecake for a while, these beautiful aspects couldn't be ignored. I soon became nearly obsessed with it. Every time I'd see the word cheesecake, my heart fluttered. Every time I sampled the creamy treat, my taste buds danced. I grew a strong like for cheesecake and could see this beautiful creation being my sole dessert of choice for a long time. Cheesecake has my back. It's not perfect, but the imperfections are what draw me to it. It's there for me and gives me exactly the satisfaction I'm looking for. It doesn't have the best of all reputations, but it's well-liked and I like it back. Stronger than that. I want cheesecake.

Then I become acquainted with cupcakes. Oh, cupcakes. From your perfect physique to your sweetly beautiful taste, you prove to me that desserts can still have it all. Cupcakes give it their all and look good doing it. Cupcakes are at another calibre, another level, another dimension. They, like cheesecake, are concerned with my hunger and never cease to pull through in making sure I am a happy camper. Cupcakes are borderline perfect and would probably be more accepted from my side.

But I can't stop thinking about cheesecake. I love it. It's been there for me and hasn't let me down yet. I have big plans for cheesecake. I don't feel for cupcakes what I feel for cheesecake, but please believe me when I say I do love cupcakes.

Cheesecake is much harder for me to get, though. It's a bit of a mission but when I get it, it's so worth all the wait. Cupcakes are more readily available but still just as sweet every single time. Both are willing to make me happy.

In summary: cheesecake = a bit more distant, a bit more work, but everything I could ever want.
Cupcakes = easier to get and much more relatable, but still so wonderful.

They both satisfy me but in a different way. Which do I choose?

Or do I even have to choose?

Nostalgia

I really never anticipated feeling this homesick.

Yesterday I moved from the comforts of my small town to my new school and at first, all was well. But as soon as my parents left, I felt really ridiculously homesick. I miss them and everyone SO much. I miss my old routines. I miss just being at home. It's strange, too, because at home I wanted nothing more than to get out and be on my own, away from the constraints of my parents. But now that I got exactly what I wanted, I just want to be home again. I'm sitting here feeling really lovely but I know I'm not. My roommates are amazing, and I have a few friends here already. I just don't know, I really don't. I feel like I don't belong here and that this isn't my home. I know it's just going to take some getting used to. It's only the second night, so this is expected I guess. But still, I just really miss my family. This is my first time on my own, all by myself, and it's all so new to me. I'm especially sad because I want to be home with my dad while he's still going through this. He is doing much better but I still want to be around for him. It's just a huge rush of emotion right now and I feel like a mess.

I just hope this subsides soon...

Astounded

So on Sunday we had this epic good luck BBQ for my dad with all our friends and family. There was a little girl there named Zaria and she amazed me. This girl is 8 years old and has more intelligence than I've seen in some adults.

This is the conversation we had:

Z: So what's wrong with your dad?
N: He's very sick and has to go through a long process to get better.
Z: What kind of sickness does he have?
N: He has a disease where things are growing inside his body and these things aren't letting his body work properly.
Z: I know what that is. Your dad has cancer, doesn't he?


Maybe it's just me, but the way she approached it was so mature. This girl has gone through a lot in her life so I'm not surprised she knows more than the average 8 year old, but I didn't realize the extent. I hope this girl goes far; she's a gem.

Anyway, dad has his first round of chemo today and it went very well. We went in at 8:45 and they hooked him up to these fluids right away to keep his kidneys hydrated. At 12, they started the actual meds which lasted for 2 hours and then continued the hydration. He was home by 4 and felt perfectly fine, as though he didn't just experience one of life's most difficult challenges. My dad's a gangster.

Vexation

IGKNAD;GBINA;RIHNAR;OINA;TG A

For some unknown, stupid reason, my e-mail was disabled by Google for the last two days. I couldn't blog, sign into YouTube, access my own goddamn e-mails... NOTHING. Finally it came back just now.

Anyway, dad's starting chemo on Tuesday. He's going to have to go once a week all day for 18 weeks straight. He won't be done 'til December 28th. Luckily, if all goes well, he'll be better by the new year and good to go for his birthday on January 4th.

The most memorable thing that happened was he asked me to create a Facebook page to update everyone about his situation. I did last night and it's up to 180 followers today. Amazing!!!

I hope all goes well for the next few weeks.

Philophobia

There's a certain someone who has filed a request for my heart, but I am afraid of letting him have it. It's a poisonous concoction of insecurity, fear, desire, and anxiety that I just need to swallow and get over with. If I do, I could be very happy.

If.

This song just makes sense right now.

Jazmine Sullivan - Lions, Tigers, Bears

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh no]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why it don't last, is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?

Sorry if I sound so filled with gloom
You say you care and I know you do
But this is from my experience
And my conclusion only makes sense
Just cause I love you and you love me,
It doesn't mean that we're meant to be
I can climb mountains, swim across the seas,
But the most frightening thing is you and me

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh no]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why it don't last, is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?

Most circumstances I know my fate
But in this love thing, I don't get the game
Why does it feel like those who give in,
They only wind up losing a friend?
Just cause I love you and you love me,
It doesn't mean that we'll ever be
Fly across the ocean, sing for the Queen,
But the most frightening thing is you and me

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh no]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why it don't last, is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?

I'm not sure no, I'm not sure
But if we never try we'll never know
It's better to have loved than not to loved at all
But trying is worst than to stumble and fall
And if we do?
I'd rather it be with you
'Cause at least there will be
Sweet memories

I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears [oh no]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
I'm not scared to perform at a sold out affair [that's right]
But I'm scared of [loving you]
Am I the only one who thinks it's an impossible task?
Why it don't last, is that too much to ask?
Why do we love Love, when Love seems to hate us?

Perhaps one day, I will let my guard down, face my fears, close the distance and meet my fate. Hopefully before it's too late.